I work remote, but occasionally have to travel to New York City for in-office events. During these events I sit in a conference room with the rest of my team all day. We usually have a team dinner planned during the week or something.
Tuesday I got into New York and later that night we went out to dinner. This ended up going until 10:30pm, which is pretty late for me (I usually am in bed by 10). It was also announced that day that we would go bowling today (Wednesday). After a day of sitting in a conference room for 8 straight hours, I really didn’t feel like going out with my coworkers or drinking beer til 10 or 11 at night. I told my coworkers I was going to skip it because I wanted to go to the gym and I made something up about having to file my taxes by tonight, but I think they generally understood that I just didn’t want to go.
I also was never explicitly invited; we were just told “we are going bowling on Wednesday”, so I think there was the expectation that I go, but I strongly feel that nobody should be obligated to go to an after-work event (especially since I already went to one).
How would you handle the situation? How do you get out of these kinds of events?
What I remind myself is that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It’s perfectly OK to say that after a long day your brain is soup and you just want to chill for the evening.
It’s also fine to say that your tired, but will come out for one or two and then leave, and then do just that. Obviously if you find yourself having a better time and enjoying it you can stay out.
I find that adults respect other adults more if you are upfront about your own boundaries. You also don’t need to make excuses, try to have the confidence to be straight forward and say you’re tired and will skip this one, or whatever.
This is the correct answer. Don’t listen to the people telling you to just say “no” without anything else. This doesn’t sound like a factory job or retail job, this sounds like an office job. In white collar offices it’s important to maintain good relationships with your coworkers. Don’t go out all the time if you don’t want to, but decline the invitation in a polite pleasant way
I just say ‘sorry, it’s been a long day, I’m socially exhausted, see y’all tomorrow morning.’ And it 100% shows on my face.
But that works because it’s an engineering team and introversion is fine and understood. We’ve definitely had feedback from some engineers that a full 8 hours of group work, and then dinner, and some social event after that is too much. Managers have learned since to just cut some meetings and make the social events part of the normal work hours.
This probably doesn’t work as well for the departments full of people who like to talk a lot.
“Sorry, I already have plans after after work.”
There is no need to mention that your plan is to go home and relax.
It sounds like you handled it perfectly.
“No” is a complete sentence, and colleagues aren’t necessarily friends. If it’s not paid, it’s your time to do with as you please.
Just say no thanks or say you’ve got other things you need to do.
If I’m traveling I usually don’t mind, but if it becomes late I just say I’m tired and go back to the hotel. Which is true since usually when I travel for work it’s too many timezones away, so I’m zombified very early and it shows.
That being said one time there was a local celebration during working hours, we all went to the pub, we were having beers and snacks when 18h rolls over and I stand up, say my goodbyes and start to leave, most just wave me and that was that, but one of those extremely social guys said “where do you think you’re going?” to which I replied “it’s 18h, work is over” as I was walking through the door. I could hear people laughing before the door was fully shut and no one cared one bit about it. Most people who enjoy those sort of things will enjoy them even if you’re not there, so don’t ruin your day and your sleep to try to please others.
2 night outs in a week is too much IMO. At my work, the maximum is 1 dinner+team building event in the middle of the week (never Friday because people have families to go home to for the weekend). We usually try to go to a place where an activity can be done and the place has food and drinks as well, so it’s 2 birds with 1 stone. But to answer your question, any respectable professional environment should accept a simple “sorry, I can’t go” answer without any further questions. Any simple excuse should also be fine, like “I’m tired from all the meetings today and will retire early to get some rest, since we still have a ton of meetings tomorrow as well”.
2 night outs in a week is too much IMO
It’s not a regular thing, OP works remote and sees his team like a few times a year, or less.
so I think there was the expectation that I go, but I strongly feel that nobody should be obligated to go to an after-work event (especially since I already went to one).
…and…
I work remote, but occasionally have to travel to New York City for in-office events.
I totally get where you’re coming from, and most replies here are “you’re not obligated, so don’t go” or “just say no”. If you were living in the same city as your work, you could probably get away with this without any repercussions. Where you might get burned here is that work paid for your travel to New York for this. If you’re only going to participate in the “in office” portion of the meeting, they have a good argument to not fly you out and put you up in a hotel. They could just ask you to join a video conference. This may be your preference even, but if so, you should talk to your boss about it.
Something like: “Hey boss, I see there’s the upcoming on-site meeting scheduled. I wanted to let you know that my out-of-work schedule doesn’t really accommodate the after work activities that go on because of timing. I know the budget is always tight, so I am just fine with joining the meeting on Teams. Heck, keep the same budget and buy everyone else there HUGE steak dinners with what you’re saving on my flight and hotel costs!”
Keep in mind, while you’re not obligated to go to these, when the job cuts come, your self imposed exclusion to these events may make you a target.
Alternatively, you can go to the after-work events, but politely duck out after an hour or so being there. That way you’ll still get “credit” for going, and everyone will remember that you were there.
I’d go with the duck out early option personally. Showing your face and socializing with others can make a real impact on how your coworkers think about you. They won’t remember you left early, but they may remember you didn’t go.
Now of course, if you don’t care about that, just politely decline the invitation.
