southsamurai

Not inherently, no, what with school hours being absurdly early to start most places.

And that’s the goal, right? To make sure they get enough rest for school. So, you set bedtime, as in ass in bed, trying to sleep at an hour that they can reasonably reach according to current best practices hours of sleep.

Currently, the general recommendation is broad: 8 to 10 hours. Trying to shoot for ten hours of sleep, it isn’t realistic unless the kid on question is not functioning at the lower end.

So, if they’re expected to be in bed at 10, that would mean they’d be getting up at 6.

So, totally reasonable, if that’s when they’re getting up.

And, while nobody wants to admit it in their teens, having a schedule that’s stable when it isn’t a school night is a good idea. Yeah, you give a lot more leeway during extended time off, but on weekends, if you’re staying up until 1, that Sunday night is not going to work well trying to sleep at 10. So there’s a limit how long things can go on weekends regularly.

But, don’t be a dick. Special occasions, or even random occasions when they want to do something, it isn’t going to be much of a problem to be up extra late on a Saturday or Friday. Have the late day, use the next to adjust back

Another don’t be a dick thing. If you’re setting the hour arbitrarily, don’t. Sometimes, you gotta be arbitrary as a parent because you’re trying to teach something, but it really needs to be a limited tool, and you gotta be transparent about it. So, if you’re picking ten PM because you pulled it out of your ass, and it doesn’t match their actual needs, just rethink it until it does match their needs.

Our kid, during the week has to have their ass either in bed, or be ready to hop in and moving that direction by ten. They have to get up at 6 to have time for breakfast, bathroom needs, dressing, all that jazz before the bus gets here. We tried other times, and 6 is what makes sure they catch the bus, so 10 is their hard limit on school nights unless there’s a damn good reason otherwise. And it’ll be that way until they’re either 18, or graduate, whichever comes last. They know why, they know that they feel better, do better at school, and actually enjoy their afternoons and evenings more when they stick to that schedule.

So it isn’t even a thing when they want an extension, or want to stay with a friend when we know damn good and well they’ll be up all night. They cooperate with getting back on schedule the next day, and it’s all good.

But not every kid is the same, so you gotta be flexible. You gotta pick the battles that matter. Maybe if they wanna stay up late every night, they gotta do the work of making it work out, so their grades stay acceptable, and they aren’t neglecting other responsibilities. If they can make it work, let them. Extend the trust to adjust things until it either works, or it becomes evident it can’t work.

15 is a good age for a kid to have a say in things like this, with the understanding that there are expectations to meet. So have a talk, explain what you expect in terms of outcomes. Maybe they fuck up and it has to go back to ten. Maybe they make it work, and everyone is happy. Try again at 16, see what happens then.

Thing is, the fact that teenagers need sleep that’s regular and plentiful isn’t a subject that’s unclear. There’s decades of data on the subject, and it’s our responsibility to make sure they get it, even if they fuss and fight the whole way through. Most kids by 15, they can sit and have that conversation. But not all of them. You know your kid, I don’t.

Oh, yeah I was taken to the hospital. Kerry said he’d put his size 12 boot up my cracked ass otherwise lol.

I was the least injured other than Kerry, who only got some bruises and a scrape. I had some cracks in some ribs, my knuckles were kinda split but didn’t need stitches. Most of my injuries were blunt force stuff, basically deep bruises. I wanna say it was three ribs that had fractures? They weren’t bad, but they hurt like hell for a few months after.

Bulldog got the worst out of the squad. Broken nose, fractured orbital, concussion, split lip and her face was shredded from where she slid on the concrete.

The kid was fucked up though. Took him days to wake up. He recovered with no disability, but it was a long recovery. Broken ribs, skull fracture, jaw broken, I can’t remember what all else.

The asshole was worse off though. His trial was like a year after, and he was still fucked up. Missing teeth, couldn’t walk (though I suspect he was faking that some), mostly blind in one eye, some other shit that isn’t coming to mind. I know he wasn’t faking stuttering and messing up words. He did end up with brain damage. I wasn’t joking about Bulldog saving my life a second time, I damn near killed him. If she hadn’t stopped me, I probably would have, and it was most definitely excessive use of force.

Regarding bouncers and gear, it depends on where you live, but you have to be real careful with what you carry and use. Cops tend to not like bouncers, or didn’t back when I was still doing it. So you spray someone, you better have witnesses and plenty of them. I knew guys that carried knuckles, batons, even knives though, particularly at one of the rougher strip clubs. A few would carry a small handgun too, but it isn’t a good idea, imo. Legal, at least in my state, but not a great idea in a setting where you’re supposed to be keeping shit cool.

I dunno how often he checks in, but @kerriganindrag@lemmy.dbzer0.com , if he notices this, he might remember some of the stuff better, if he sees this any time soon

Oh hell

That one was the Bulldog. She’s still a good friend.

Short little thing, about 5’6". Cute too, and hates being reminded she is. She’s a few years younger than me, and had been working on fake id, but that’s a whole nuther kettle of fish

She was, and is, fairly butch, if that means anything to you. So her head comes up to about my nipple line, and my arm was bigger than her leg, and she wasn’t the most petite little thing, she worked hard and exercised.

But the first thing she said to me when I came out of the office was that if I ever picked her up like that, she’d feed me my balls on a stick.

That’s the Bulldog.

So, this is a drag club in the south in the nineties. Regular gay bars caught hell, but a drag club near a main road, with neon lights and parking lot full of some of the brightest flames it has been my privilege to see? It was a target for every cretin, redneck, and bigot for a hundred miles around the city.

So we’d end up having run-ins with gay bashers or at least assholes trying to act tough almost every shift during decent weather.

More than once, she would kneecap some fuckwit coming at me from behind, or when I was tangling with someone and couldn’t get loose. She was also known for tackling and choking the hell out of assholes, even when they’d just stand up with her hanging on their back; hence the nickname.

So, there were knives that didn’t get me, ball bats that never got swung because she had my back in every sense, and vice versa.

But the big one? Fuck me, it was bad.

A seriously crazy fucker went after one of my favorite patrons, this skinny, sweet little twink with nothing but love and hugs for anyone that would give him half a chance. But the kid was off property, halfway down the block, and we weren’t supposed to go that far.

Me, bulldog, and Kerry were on the lot and door that night. Kerry is a tall, lean but athletic ex marine and drag queen. He actually haunts lemmy to, so he might chime in. But when I took off running when I saw the crazy asshole come out from a shadow and hit the kid, Kerry starts cussing, but it was Bulldog that was right behind me first. Kerry was smarter, and stepped inside to call for help, and tell the inside staff to call the cops.

Cops always took their damn time showing up there.

Anyway, me and bulldog are running hard, seeing this kid on the ground, getting beat and kicked.

The nutjob grabs some junk from the lot he stepped out of, some rebar with concrete on it and pulls back to bash that kid’s head in.

I get there, thank the gods of speed for making my big ass run fast enough, before he can do it, and we go at it. I’m swinging wild, because this was back before I got serious about martial arts. I’d done some wrestling and a tiny bit of boxing, but never dedicated.

The nutter was fast, and hyped up on something. I was always slower. I got a few in before he caught me and I took a knee. He was cueing up for my skull when the Bulldog comes in growling, literally, and goes at him.

He swings with the rebar and smashes her in the face, and she goes down hard. It was fucking meaty sounding. I can see blood, so I fucked up and moved to her, and the crazy gets me in the back with the improvised club.

If Kerry hadn’t been busting ass, I’d have been dead because I couldn’t breathe

Kerry comes in and puts a boot upside the guy’s head, then steps back between all of us and him.

But the guy is lit up by whatever it was. He’s trying to get at us, and Kerry is having trouble because damn. Three people down, and Kerry ain’t budging, but you can’t cover everything like that.

So the dude slips by and tries to kill the kid again, after having feinted at me.

Kerry bumps him off target, and I get up.

That’s when it got ugly. I kinda lost my shit. Picked the guy up, slammed him and just went off. I don’t even know what I was saying, or even thinking, but Kerry tried to pull me off and couldn’t.

But Bulldog? She pulls herself up, comes over to me and gets in my way. Grabs my arm and stops me hitting the crazy guy again. She’s dripping blood, broken nose, plus other fractures that weren’t visible. But she was the one that put herself in the way and kept me from killing the guy. She did that half blind from swelling, concussed, and bloody.

She still has scars from that. Outside for sure, but inside too.

Saved my life two different ways in one night.

Worst fight I was ever in. Well, against a human.

But, yeah, her and Kerry kept my ass alive for sure. There were other nights I kept them safe too. That’s just how we did it.

At that time? She wasn’t even legal to enter the bar. That’s the night I found out she was using fake info, but that’s not really important. But we were young. The “kid” was around the same age as me, and I couldn’t buy a drink at the places I bounced yet.

It was a fucking crazy night. But our boss? That dude paid every hospital bill, not just for us, but for the kid too. I missed work at my regular job, and he just paid me like I was working full time for him. Told me I was an idiot, and not to do that to him again. But he hired on extra security so we could walk patrons to their cars when they couldn’t park on site.

The crazy dude did serious time, attempted murder, multiple counts.

Now, I gotta be honest here. I’ve told this story a few times between reddit and lemmy. Kerry tells me that none of them are fully accurate. That I keep getting things mixed up in the order they happened and such. I know that when I remember it, there’s a lot of blurry edges, and stuff comes to mind scattered. It’s flashes of stuff that was terrifying and I was flooded with adrenaline, fear, and anger, so it’s hard to be confident in the details.

I’m certain about Bulldog’s face, because it made me cry to see her like that. I know for sure that the kid was in a bad way, and almost died on the way to the hospital. I can remember his face too, when I rolled him over before the first ambulance got there. And I know I was fucking hurting lol. My back, my hands, my knees, my face, alllll beat up lol. It took me a few days to walk upright and not hobble.

Well, my first real job, meaning not a temporary thing in fast food with plans to GTFO ASAP, was as a nurse’s assistant.

My high soul school had a class for health care work prep. I had the goal then of being an RN. So I figured some of the basics might be nice ahead of time. Medical terminology, chances to have professionals in various branches of healthcare do talks, etc.

The last year, the program allowed you to take the state test to be an NA, and if you passed at over 95%, you could get the certification no matter your age. It involved also doing clinicals, at a wide range of facilities. One of the facilities was a nursing home, and it turned out that not only was I physically right for carrying patients, but I had a knack for helping the worst off patients cope with being helped. A lot of dementia patients can’t process what’s going on at all.

For whatever reason, I could kinda slip through their confusion and talk to them, and they’d be less combative, or more able to cooperate with what was going on. By the time clinicals at that facility was over, the director of nursing had contacted the instructor and I had a job waiting as soon as the state processed everything. So that’s what I did for the next twenty years as my main job, though I left that facility, and eventually all facility work within three years. I did go back to school for my RN, and life interfered. Then I went back for my bachelor’s in psychology, and that ended before I could finish.

But, as you may or may not know, nurse’s assistants get paid shit. And not just the literal shit we have to clean up, the pay rate is horrible.

So I had side gigs.

My most stable side gig was working as a bouncer, which led to security work in other ways.

I mostly worked for two guys. They each owned multiple bars. One guy had mostly LGBTQ focused bars, oxidizing including the drag club that was my main and favorite place to work of his. The other guy ran mostly strip clubs, which was not as much fun as you’d think, but I still enjoyed as a bouncer.

Anyway, the first guy was the one that got me into bouncing. My best friend is gay, and by the time I was old enough to get into bars and clubs, so were almost all of my friends. I just like the community. But we were at the club for a drag show. It may help to know that back in high school I had started power lifting, and had been picking up 400lb people out of showers for a good while at this point. I was a big ol boy lol.

So, you know how weekend drag shows can get. Everyone and their sister crowded in, trying to dance, get laid, and enjoy the show. Spats happen.

Well, one of them started getting bad. The staff was trying to get in and break it up, but it was wall to wall people.

One of the more inebriated patrons took it from just screaming and shoving into serious territory, grabbing a bottle and starting to swing with it.

I picked him up and shook him a little. He dropped the bottle and started crying and hugging me. So, since me doing that had kinda stopped the show and the crowd was now watching us I carried the dude over my shoulder to the bar and sat him down, while the bouncers on staff (one of whom later on saved my life a few times) made their way to us.

The owner was there that night, and saw it go down. Had the head of security ask me to come into his office. He gave me a blast of hell for risking my neck, and then offered me a job lol. I would work weekends here and there, some weeknights.

The other guy and him were friends since they didn’t really compete much, and I got introduced that way, and would work for either of them as needed for the rest of the nineties and into the naughties.

Between them, I also ended up doing some low grade security work too. Mostly escorting bar owners to make deposits at the end of the night, or being visible muscle when interacting with unfamiliar fellow business owners. Which had its benefits. I got a chance to talk to some interesting people that way, since once everyone was chill, the muscle tended to be superfluous, and just sit around drinking coffee, bullshitting. I got offered a job doing celebrity work, but didn’t want to travel like that. Closest I came to that was taking a few trips to other cities with some of the better known Queens that weren’t as friendly to the community.

Anyway, I pretty much fell into both jobs unintentionally. They weren’t the only jobs I did, but they were the consistent ones, and the ones that I miss.

They set up a new version. Chapo chat or some such shit

Has anyone followed the links to see what the deal is?

The one on .world just shifted to literature.cafe.

The .world one was set up by an occasional contributor to the subreddit.

Largely, you’d already gotten good advice on how to sabotage a sub.

The key is automod, but don’t forget that the goal is to keep reddit from just undoing it all and replacing you before things get so bad nobody comes back if they do.

So you gotta put some time into it, and implement changes over a few weeks. Start by bumping up the account age setting to something high enough to weed out a lot of casual users but not everyone. Add in some automod filters to remove common things. Let that rest for a day or two, then add in some more filters so that posting becomes harder, but not impossible.

At some point in there, people will complain, so you’ll have to tweak automod to remove references to mods as well.

That’s the process. By the time things get bad enough that reports would get crazy, enough people should have just left in a huff that the reports don’t get so high that reddit pays attention.

By the end of it, any new posts will have to jump though major hoops, so you’ll effectively keep out bots. Place a final automod rule requiring some specific words and walk away. That’s the best you can do. Maybe reddit undoes it, maybe not, but by the time they get around to it, it won’t matter.

Haaave mercy.

Never in my life did I expect to have pet chickens.

If I had, I do not believe I would have imagined having spolied rotten pet chickens.

My little girl, she’s been spoiled since the day she came home with us. Her going pew-pew, and cheep-cheep-cheep on the ride home melted everyone. A few weeks in, she was nesting in my beard, and I would glare at anyone daring to disturb her. Even when she pooped in my beard before we got her pad trained, she was gently sat aside before I would dash to wash up lol.

But big boy? He was half wild, even when we thought he was a hen. Back then, the only one he would allow to touch him was my kid, and even that was for short periods. Wouldn’t take treats from our hands without a lot of urging and patience.

So, last night, we bring the girl in, set the supplies up for volunteer hen and the rooster outside, and big boy comes in for his visit.

I’m feeding him choice tidbits of biscuit, petting him, and he’s being his regal self. We get it all set up, and my wife and kid head inside. I’m communing with my broski. He’s supposed to sleep outside, since we’re finally having a night that isn’t too cold for safety.

Well, he hops down at one point, and heads the general direction of the door. I follow him to let him out (enclosed back porch). He goes out and gobbles at me, so I come out and follow him around a bit. He’s bok-ing and scratching, and occasionally humping my shoe. You know, chicken stuff.

My back has been giving me trouble, so I say goodnight to come in. I open the door, and he jumps up onto the porch and moves over to the chair and waits on me.

So I sit down, he hops up, and gets scritches. And some more biscuit, because he’s being sweet. We’re just talking to each other, chilling. But my back has limits, and I set him down on the floor and move to let him out.

He walks over to the crate and stands there, boking at me. I open the door and tell him to GTFO, it’s warm enough, and he knows damn good and well he loves his roost in the window planter. He buk-buk-buks at me and hops back and forth a little.

I tell him to hush and get out the door.

He crows at me. ER-ER-ER-ERRRRRRRRRR! And then gobbles while hopping from foot to foot, looking back and forth from me to the crate.

I tell him fiine!, get his feeder set up, the water, and a bowl full of bugs because why not.

I point at the now prepared crate that’s maybe a foot off the floor, well lower than my lap, for damn sure. He hops back and forth burk-burking at me. Now, if you don’t speak chicken, the difference between a bok-bok, a buk-buk a tuk-tuk and a burk-burk may not be evident. I, however, have been learning chicken the last two years

Burk-burk-burk is, loosely translated: “monkey, ah say monkey, ah insist you obey me, suh” yes, he sounds like Foghorn Leghorn, he’s a propah suthren burd. In my head anyway.

So, I go over and poke him in the butt and point to the ramp that leads into the house. My back ain’t bending over to pick up his butterball butt. He bawk-AWKs at my rudeness, “well, I nevah, suh, I nevah!”, but he moves up to where I can reach him. I scoop him up and tickle his wing pits, which elicits a quite offended bawk-AWK-gobble-gobble. Which, as you can imagine is “how dare you tickle me under mah wings, suh!”

I carry him back to his crate, and sit him down. He proceeds to tuk-tuk-tuk as he pecks, then picks up and puts down assorted dried insects. Happy as a pig in slops. Which is pretty damn happy, if you’ve never seen it. But I might wager that “happy as a rooster pecking bugs” might actually be happier.

He eats some bugs, then moves over to the small roost inside the crate, fluffs his butt up, and settles in while peacefully buking at me while I talk him to sleep.

You can tell he’s asleep when he makes a few burbles, sighs, and then goes quiet.

So, in short, I spent half an hour convincing a damn chicken to go to bed, gave him a snack, and read him a bedtime story.

Nah, he’s not spoiled at all.

She is, indeed, a blivet

deleted by creator

Generally, once it’s dry, it’s a permanent stain, and likely some deterioration of the materials. It won’t be major damage, as in making them fragile, but they won’t look nice.

Remove all visible matter, obviously

Get a bowl and an old toothbrush, along with some rags.

Laundry detergent, preferably without dyes or scents. Be aware, that the colors in some detergents will stain leather, and might the soles.

A few drops of white vinegar, a few of the detergent, and some warm water in the bowl. Dip the brush and scrub gently until as much of the more ingrained matter is gone, and you’re no longer seeing the brush pick up anything that discolors the liquid. Now, in most shoes, that might never happen, so you might have to settle for it reaching the point where the colors of any stains are even. No telling unless I was there and doing the work; even pics wouldn’t help.

Switch to plain water, and clean the brush well, so that you can use it to remove soap residue.

Use the rags to dry the shoes as much as possible once finished.

The next part is where you gotta buy stuff. You’ll need a leather conditioner, and a cork sealant/conditioner if the cork was soiled. No way around it, no shortcuts because you’re already going to be stripping some oils from the leather, so cheaping out makes no sense. But it can be the inexpensive stuff.

Also, don’t use other kinds of soap. Laundry detergent is going to strip the least amount of oils.

You can maybe get by with bypassing all of that if only the leather is dirtied, and just buy some leather cleaner, but I can’t say it works any better; it just takes less steps.

From there, air dry. You can use a blow drier on low heat if you want

Hydration, carbs, and anti-inflammatories.

Make sure the hydration includes electrolytes.

Most of the pills that are abused enough to cause a hangover are going to benefit most from the hydration. It’ll flush out any water soluble stuff a teeny bit faster and support the entire system.

Beyond that, it’s time.

Thanks :) makes an old man feel useful

SAY “WHAT” AGAIN!

SAY “WHAT” AGAIN! I DARE YOU!

I DOUBLE-DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!!

SAY “WHAT” ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!

Heh, it may seem like the risks of being shot as a cop are high. And I guess it is, compared to something like being an office worker.

But cops shoot way more citizens than shoot them, and they kill way more as well. It could be argued that those are defensive shootings, but, well, we know they aren’t all justified at all. And enough of those police killing citizens are against entirely unarmed people that it’s absurd. That’s also ignoring the dogs they kill, when they kill each other, and that even the defensive shootings are often escalated by the police rather than them dealing with someone out to kill them.

But, for real, it used to be a job you could be proud of, if you ignored al the systemic problems. There’s still people that go into it wanting to make a difference, to help people and serve their community. You’ll not get rich as an honest cop, but it’s an okay living compared to jobs requiring similar levels of training and education. There’s health coverage, paid time off, a union that backs officers well. If you only see the surface, it’s a great job.

It’s under the surface that gets you, and since most cops start their career fairly young, they don’t know that going in. Those get weeded out fast though. Sometimes when other cops turn on them for not wanting to be dirty. Sometimes lethally

I mean, it’s universal because not of those traits are unique to any country, they’re human traits.

Even if you subscribe to ACAB as a political stance, there are still competent people doing the job to the best of their ability. Being a tool of oppression isn’t an inherently disabling factor. Plenty of serious pieces of shit have been good at their jobs, even when that job literally genocide.

Now, US police have disadvantages because of hiring, training and operational guidelines that favor order takers with low initiative and a willingness to adhere to authority. But it isn’t the only country like that, nor is it the only country with a police force infiltrated by extremists waiting for a chance to take greater power, we’re just a really big country, so it’s easier to hide.

Couple that with a strong and effective police union that’s also infiltrated, and is formed of the same people hired, and trained to basically be thugs, and the worst ones are harder to get rid of, even when higher ups want to.

But, again, don’t think that the U.S. is the only place that has this trouble. Power corrupts, and the greater the power, the greater the corruption. Without vigilance and oversight, shit will creep in

No worries, I’ve just got old eyes and dyslexia, I could fuck up reading kindergarten level books lol

I do see your point, and I may be off in my evaluation of the preemptive bans. Wouldn’t be the first thing I’ve been off on.

And I am worried that it’s going to end up ruining a great thing. The fact that they’ve made several mistakes, targeting people that are discussing rather than attacking, it’s a problem. If it isn’t reined in, the possibility of it turning utterly toxic is real, and with blahaj being the only significant, broadly federated trans space, I really, really hope ada and any other admins can self regulate and turn it around. I know they mean well, they’re coming from a place of strong conviction. But strong conviction can turn to zealotry fast.

I think, for me, the key to it is how they’re finding comments and posts that lead to the decision. If they’re literally out looking for opportunities to do it, your concerns are likely to come to pass. But if it’s passive, then chances are higher that it will end up okay. I don’t know if any of them will see this thread, or if they’d consider responding to it, but it would really be of benefit if they switch to passive only if they’re actively looking. As a strategy, going off and looking is just too risky, too severe.

Ideally, a preemptive ban would only happen after a thorough review of the user, not off of a single comment, even if that comment seems a problem on the surface. Nor off of a single aspect of ideology when just leaving them alone means they’re not a problem at all.

Xenopronouns.

That’s the big wall people hit, and nope the fuck out over.

Let’s point right at the xeno-elephant in the room and get it out of the way.

Dragon rider/fucker.

That’s been the crux of the neopronoun arguments. And, I suspect, they intended at pear least part of that. I say they because I’ve discussed it with dragon rider, and they understand my limitations. I respect their choice, I just have so much trouble adapting to individualized pronouns that it fucks my brain and hands too much. My hands are already throbbing from the previous wall of text.

So, this isn’t about whether or not they’re a troll. That’s irrelevant. Seriously, it doesn’t matter for this discussion, or for the rules of blahaj.

What does matter is the most common objection to their use of “drag” as a pronoun. “Dragons aren’t real, and you can’t fuck things that aren’t real, therefore drag is full of shit and can be ignored.”

So, what the fuck is a xenopronoun?

You can look up definitions aplenty, but it comes down to saying “I reject gender entirely, and will choose a term that is not only disconnected from gender, but is disconnected from human limitations”

That’s it. A person using a xenopronoun doesn’t necessarily think they’re a dragon, or a dog, or whatever. They don’t have to be otherkin either.

My standard example for this is a standard neopronoun like “xe” neatly slots into English. If I request that, it’s an easy ask. If I request my pronoun be “sam” “south”, or even “samurai”, those things all make sense, and won’t cause as much of a fight as something like “pup”.

If I listed my pronouns as “tige/tiger/tigers”, I’m going to catch hell everywhere I go, right? And that’s with a tiger, the most majestic and sexy animal on earth (with the possible exception of the platypus or one of my chickens).

So, why could it matter? Why should anyone respect that? It makes no sense, I’m not a fucking tiger. I can’t fuck a tiger without dying (but that wouldn’t stop me from trying!). I have no real connection to tigers other than a strange fascination that I enjoy joking about. So why should anyone use it?

Well, truth is that even if I actually wanted people to, I don’t think I would object if they didn’t, because I’m just a cis-het dude up in the mountains, hoping and wishing I could pray that we aren’t in a civil war before the end of the year, and hoping that the lack of war doesn’t mean the fascists won already.

But I’m not the reason xenopronouns exist. Like I said, it’s about people either so disconnected from gender that adopting an animal or other kind of term as a pronoun is more them; or those that have some kind of genuine belief that they have a connection to the thing they’ve adopted as a pronoun

Now, how the fuck does that relate to trans people and trans rights? You can’t be a trans cat because you can’t turn into one, you can’t have been assigned the wrong species at birth, none of the things that we all recognize as aspects of being trans. You can’t, it’s a physical fact.

But, maybe some trans people are among the group that is so disconnected from gender that even standard neopronouns don’t work. Or, maybe they also hold a religious or spiritual belief regarding inner connect to animals or other entities. You can be trans and a member of an animist religion.

Why should those trans people be denied their religious beliefs? Why do they have to disconnect that belief from their lack of gender? Who decides when a person has to just suck it up and pick a regular fucking word, for fucks sake?

Yeah, I think we can all agree that there is zero concrete, discrete, evidence based indication that spirit animals, or angels, or any of that exists. Right? I mean, even if you believe in those things, you can clearly see a lack of physical evidence of them. There’s no forensic residues left by them, you can’t detect them using reproducible means. You may or may not agree that whatever spiritual methods used should or should not be a proof, but it absolutely isn’t something you can just take a picture of.

But there’s trans people for whom that most definitely is a part of who they are. Just like there’s cis folk that believe that way.

The key is, who decides when a trans person can use those terms? Who decides if the otherkin of the world can/should fall under the trans umbrella, even if they don’t have a disconnection from gender? I know it damn sure isn’t the cis majority, and I’ll fight on that fucking hill. We, even cis allies, do not get to define who is and isn’t trans, with the qualifier that language consensus and medical reality may not match with what trans folks decide belongs in their shelter.

I haven’t actually formed a final opinion on xenogender beyond that, btw. My opinion is that my opinion doesn’t fucking matter, no matter what that opinion ends up being. I may eventually come to believe that xenopronouns are a bad thing for trans rights, that it’s a weak point that leaves the fight vulnerable, and needs to be shelved at least temporarily. But it’s still just the opinion of some cis-het dude in the mountains. Though, being real, writing this did convince me that if blahaj wants to cover xenopronouns as part of their fight, as the rules of that instance, I’d have their back. I may disagree overall (I’m still torn), but I sure as fuck agree that their community is who decides, not anyone else.

But that’s what it all comes down to. Some folks want/need things that make others uncomfortable, make them face things they don’t understand. Some of those may be trolls. Hell, it’s inevitable that trolls use it as a weapon, and that full on enemies of trans rights use it as an avenue of attack.

Shit. I think I just thought myself into an opinion about it. Didn’t plan that, and I gotta pick it apart a few times. But that’s off topic.

That’s what the argument is all about. Where’s the line, who gets to decide where the line is? For blahaj, we know where the line is currently. The instance officially falls on the side of the line that says “if you fuck with one of us, you fuck with all of us”, and they include xenopronouns as part of “us”, until and unless an individual starts breaking other instance rules.

I gotta be real, the entire point of LGB back in the day was that alone, the lesbians, gays, and bis were small numbers, but all together, apes strong. Then T got added, and apes stronger. The fight got bigger, but so did the numbers fighting it. Once the Q+ got brought in as a distinct aspect of what was already already there as well as new groups, those numbers start looking like an army. Once you have the numbers, fucking with one of them seems like a bad proposal. Maybe that + including neurodivergent people, otherkin, and other folks that don’t fit the cis-heteronormative world would be another ape to hold with. You add in the allies, and the “all of us” that’s fucking back can be a force for real change. Maybe the allies here, we can just fight beside our friends and canopies families, and let them sort out labels and pronouns after they aren’t being literally killed

The formatting makes it hard for me to follow, so apologies if/when I fuck up

As best as I can pick up, you’re saying that, overall, you feel that the decisions being made on an admin level are divisive and harmful. That part of why that is, is because it draws a hard line about acceptable beliefs, particularly when voiced.

AND, that when those actions/decisions are being applied away from their own instance, that it crosses a line.

Secondary to that, you believe that it has/will cross over into the very kind of fascism that’s warring against trans people in the first place.

Like I said, the formatting is fucking with my ability to interpret things because my brain likes to not see words right even on the best days. I’m going to go forward with the above as my assumptions, and if I’ve missed something, or I’m just wrong in my assumption of your meaning, please correct me because I don’t have anyone available to read the sections that I’m having trouble seeing right, it isn’t me being obtuse or anything. Well, no more obtuse than normal for me.

My response to that is that you have a point, a valid point. It is always dangerous to split a populace against itself, even in the name of preserving that populace.

However, in parsing the actions of admins, it’s important to look at what their goals are, and what the principle is that they’re fighting for.

It comes back to the neopronouns/xenopronouns debate. That’s really where and when these preemptive bans have occurred, at least that I’ve run across.

Let me approach things a little backwards from how I usually do.

I have changed my opinion about neopronouns in general, to a stance that more closely matches the policy of blahaj; that in general respecting someone’s pronouns is fundamental to the fight for trans rights. It’s only one aspect, but it’s a core aspect because it relates to the entirety of how everyone relates to and thinks about gender.

The problems on blahaj started not with basic, widely known neopronouns. It started once people started using individualized pronouns, akin to me wanting my pronoun to be “south”, or “sam”. Some of those neopronouns are a type of neopronoun called xenopronouns.

My opinion of neopronouns as a whole used to be that they are a problem because they’re just too confusing, and are too arbitrary, and that they are (because of that) harmful to the trans rights efforts. Kind of a “wrong fight, wrong time” thing.

The reason I changed my opinion is that pronouns are something placed on us by external powers. Like gender, they are assigned to us. While having they/them as an option for people that don’t align with masc/fem binaries is a good thing, the fact that it’s still imposed by external powers means that the concept itself is part of the structure of oppression.

Neopronouns, like xe/xer/xhem, address that in one way, and it’s an important thing that we consider them, and a vital thing that when someone is saying “here, these are generic words that satisfy the needs of English grammar, but respect my differences”. That concept is largely the first big wall that the fight hits. “What, how dare you change my language?” “You’re forcing your beliefs on me, you transism crazy!”

So, if I, as an ally, can’t at least try to follow that concept, am I really an ally?

But then we hit the second wall, individualized pronouns. Respecting those is a shit ton harder because they aren’t generic. You have to remember each one for each person. That’s a much higher and harder ask. You’re going to run into people that can’t keep track, even if they’re willing. You’re asking not for a few new words, but for retraining people’s entire language pathway in their brain. Neurologically, it’s easier to learn a new language than to rebuild years or decades of the patterns of a learned language that have “etched” pathways in the brain, physically.

So, is it worth fighting for? Well, my previous opinion was hell no. It has changed to a qualified yes. See, the fight for trans rights is not a single offensive. Trans people are attacked at multiple levels, and thus the tools used, and the defensive strategies have to be multi-front as well. It is still my opinion that it is a much lower priority in general. However, when you’re trying to create a space where people are supposed to be away from the fight, where they’re supposed to be at least off the front lines, can you really ignore that individualized pronouns are just as valid and important as generic neopronouns?

I don’t think you can, and that’s been the stance of blahaj administration. And that is divisive. It’s causing strife for anyone and everyone that doesn’t agree with respecting those neopronouns because they’re individualized. But, if you don’t take the stance that every individual must have their pronouns respected, you’re allowing strife and division by allowing the fight behind your lines.

So, now the admins are in the fight. They have limited choices for those in their camp. They either fight for a core right: to be recognized and respected, or they refuse to fight for that right and abandon those for whom the language is most hurtful for.

They made their choice. They decided it was the right fight to have. The implemented an in-instance rule, and enforced it.

But, they aren’t in a fort. They’re in a city, and cities don’t have gates these days. So they can’t stop people from attacking behind their lines without building gates (aka defederating), or instituting border guards that prevent known and suspected enemies from entering. They went on the offensive, applying bans to people that weren’t in their city, effectively telling the guards not to let those individuals in.

This is, again, a dangerous tactic. It is one that risks internal rebellion and increased external attacks. But, it is an effective tactic. If done right, not only will those individuals no longer be let in, but others will have to consider whether or not they want in as well. They become aware, via posts like this one, that it is a war, and that they will fight. And, that they don’t care where you are, if you fuck with their people even indirectly, you aren’t welcome.

That’s a powerful thing. Looking at it from the outside, it’s brilliant, if they intended even part of that. I don’t know their intent, it could be pure spite, but it looks looks like someone not fucking around.

The trans people that should be safe there, but aren’t because they object to individualized pronouns? That’s a problem because they deserve a space that’s as fiercely defended. They’re left out in the cold, so to speak, since there’s only one other instance that’s titularly trans safe, and it’s pretty well despised and defederated.

But now, they do have the same choice I’ve had; to really look at my objections and see what they mean, to see if maybe, maybe there’s something to it.

And, of equal importance, so does anyone that runs across a post complaining about it. All of us, allies, enemies, undecided, we see this kind of thing, and there’s an opportunity to really think instead of reacting. To examine what it is that we object to, why we object, and fully, consciously decide where we stand. Not everyone will. Most people will just reinforce their previous beliefs and that’s that for them. Some will think about it, and their end decision is to not change their beliefs. Some might even change against neopronouns. But some are going to find themselves staring at something in their mind and realizing it doesn’t match what their principles are, and change that way.

Managing all of that? Making that fight, nobody is going to get it right every time. But it’s a fight worth having. If it turns and rots into a form of fascism, then blahaj falls, and that will be a bad thing. But I believe that, so far, it’s being done for the right reasons, and in scale with the incidence of incursions.

You don’t believe that. I can’t blame you. You aren’t a random account with no history and mostly lurking. You’re definitely not transphobic. I don’t think anyone looking at your history could come to that conclusion and be taken seriously. There have been other people banned in the same way that, like you, not only aren’t enemies, want to be and generally are allies. Tbh, anyone saying that about you can go fuck themselves, and I’ll gladly tell them that directly, should I see it happen. You disagree with one issue among many, and not in an egregious way. If Ada or another admin asked my opinion, I’d tell them to reverse the ban and try engaging with you instead. And tell them they were being assholes if they don’t at least consider it

Fuck, this is way longer than comfortable reading length on a screen. And I didn’t even get to the xenopronoun part of things. And it’s important. It’s the other big issue that people attack over. I’m not sure whether to keep going, or break that into a separate comment in response to this. I think that’s what I’ll do, because it keeps coming up, and it needs addressing.

But pug, even if you decide to skip it. Even if you ran into the wall of text and skipped this far to see if I had a point. I get it. I get your frustration, I get the point you’re making. It’s a valid point. It’s one worthy of discussion. It’s all about when and where.