Do you have a stand mixer?

This sounds like a pain but it’s much easier than you think and it actually makes superior ice cream than if you went and got a proper ice cream maker and churned it:

Make any reasonable ice cream base. Custard basically. If you have a sous vide stick thing they make this remarkably simple (basically just dump it all in a bag or mason jar, put in the heated bath, wait). If not the stove top way is obviously totally fine, slightly less smooth unless you’re super good at temp control.

500g whole milk 500g heavy cream 200g sugar 210g egg yolk Vanilla bean paste or actual beans (if you want to spend the money), as much as you want really

I do the sous vide which is blend all that, cook 185F for 1hr, chill at least 8hrs, sieve. This could be done on stovetop though.

This bit is all what you’d have to do for any ice cream regardless of how you churn. And again that’s just an example recipe. You can use whatever. Though keep in mind mix ins come later. If you want like chocolate chip cookie dough with a vanilla base you do the above and at the very end mix in chocolate chips and cookie dough chunks. Or a swirl, or whatever

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Churning:

Get some dry ice. This is where it sounds like a pain. But it’s actually really simple to get usually. Many grocery stores carry it and if not you can often find it at beverage shops or you may have an ice shop. It’s dirt cheap. Try to buy pellets if you can but if you can’t it’s not the end of the world

Put the dry ice in a clean apron and fold the apron over it. (Don’t touch it, it’s so cold it hurts. It won’t harm you if you touch it for a second but if you grab it it can actually do damage). Smash the shit out of it until it’s a powder. Run this through a large sieve, big chunks are bad.

Now you’re ready for the endgame:

Get your stand mixer. Put on the paddle. Put the base in and start mixing on medium ish. Start dumping in the sandy dry ice. Ice cream will begin forming basically immediately. Let it churn a few seconds, add some more, let it churn, add some more, etc. it won’t take long, like a minute or two.

It’ll be a bit soft. Put it in a container and put it in the freezer to firm up. This lets you ensure the dry ice is fully sublimated (you def don’t want to eat it) and if you eat it immediately the ice cream will be slightly carbonated (you may desire this though, the effect can be cool, like fizzy soft serve. If you’re very confident you’ve done a good job getting the dry ice to a small sandy texture it should be safe to eat. Chunks are dangerous!!)

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Why this is superior: ice creams texture is determined by the size of the ice crystals formed when freezing the ice cream. The slower the freezing process the larger the crystals and the easier it is for you to perceive them on your tongue. They feel more gritty. The best way to do this is with liquid nitrogen, which is -196F. However, while you can get this at welding shops this needs specialized equipment to transport and it can be dangerous to handle. Dry ice is -109F which is close enough. much easier to obtain, transport, and handle safely.

Additionally the less time you spend mixing the more rich the ice cream tastes because you are not whipping air into it (this is called “overrun”). This is how low calorie ice creams like halo top work. They do cut cane sugar with sugar alcohol and artificial sweeteners of course but they also whip a ton of air into the ice cream so it’s simply less dense.

Again, this sounds like a total pain but realistically it’s:

You make ice cream base (would have to do this anyway

You source dry ice (this can be a pain, depending on where you live) and you smash the shit out of it

You churn in a stand mixer with the dust (which ideally you would make right now. Dry ice “melts”/sublimates in your freezer. It won’t keep and keeping it in the larger form as long as possible reduces waste)

Done